Tony - "What does your fella wear in bed then?"
Bren - "What fella?"
Tony - "Driving instructor."
Bren - "Oh him, oh I had to put a sudden stop to that."
Tony - "What did you do, bang on the dashboard?" - episode 1
Jean - "I've just clicked with a van driver. He was making admiring gestures towards my cleavage."
Dolly - "He was telling me my fog lamp was on." - episode 1
Bren - "When's your holiday Dolly?"
Dolly - "August 17th. Ocean Princess. Luxury cruise liner."
Jean - "Luxury my do-dah! It's a converted World War Two aircraft carrier!" - episode 1
Bren - "When you come back on Monday it won't look like this cos it's all being re-painted over the weekend."
Sigourney - "Do you have it re-painted every weekend?" - episode 1
Dolly - "Can I just explain why we were late Tony?"
Tony - "You can. I hadn't even noticed but go on."
Jean - "See!"
Dolly - "I was actually early at Jean's. I don't go in, I beep from the pavement with my engine running."
Jean - "You don't have to set the scene. It's like blooming Catherine Cookson." - episode 1
Jean - "I have the same bust measurement as Gina Lollobrigida."
Dolly - "And the same hip measurement as Patrick Moore!" - episode 1
Dolly - "You can move the seat back but please don't try and wear my moccasins, they're only a 4." - to Stan, episode 1
Anita - "Tonight's the night to make a Millenium baby Tony."
Tony - "Oh Anita, I'm washing my hair!" - episode 1
Bren - "But you don't conceive on the night you do it do you? So say you make mad, passionate love on a Thursday..."
Dolly - "Not very likely."
Bren - "...you might actually conceive three days later in the queue at Homebase." - episode 1
Dolly - "Oh, has she had her operation?"
Tony - "No, she's still a man with a wig on." - On Glenda, episode 1
Bren - "What was it? Derwent?"
Jean - "What's the story behind that then, Derwent?"
Derwent - "Dunno."
Jean - "Have you never asked your mother about it?
Derwent - "She works nights." - episode 1
Bren - "Are you Bert?"
Bert - "It's Herbert actually but I like to play that down." - episode 1
Tony - "Glen, please. Don't spoil the magic. You're my number two fantasy girl.
Glenda - "Who's you're number one?"
Tony - "Mo Mowlam." - episode 1
Stan - "There's nothing sexist about it. Men and women have different brains."
Dolly - "That's right, it was in the Daily Mail. Women can't fold maps and men can't get interested in head boards." - episode 1
Jean - "Hey Dolly, an unexpected day off. Shall we pick up a couple of executives at the Midland Hotel and have an orgy?"
Dolly - "We could do. I might just pop home and dip my nets." - episode 1
Bren - "We've got a bit of a...oh what's that word? Not unicorn...dilema!" - episode 1
Bren - "Get your brains on this one Jane. That ladder's stuck. Glen's busting for a wee. She's got internal staples. She can't bend down, she can't climb over, she can't go in the cold storage room, she can't get down the fire escape, we don't know if we can hacksaw the ladder. You're Glen, what do you do?"
Jane - "Wet myself, it's quicker!" - episode 1
Philippa - "Oh cripes, I must rush actually."
Jean - "I wouldn't bother."
Philippa - "Sorry?"
Jean - "Rushing. Wherever you're going, you'll be no bloody use when you get there." - episode 2
Jane - "Oh I keep burping Creme De Menthe!" - episode 2
Jane - "So is there anyone you want to bring?"
Tony - "What, bring bring?"
Jane - "No, not bring bring, just bring."
Twinkle - "You can get phones that do that." - episode 2
Jane - "Excuse me, that's going on my toast there."
Jean - "It doesn't matter if you're slimming does it?"
Jane - "Can I just say, that is absolutely none of your business. And I don't think your tone's very appropriate actually."
Jean - "Well we can't all swan about ordering toast. Some of us have personal problems."
Jane - "I know we do but we don't all bring them to work. I lost eight tropical fish last week in a power cut." - episode 2
Bren - "Anita, can you take another jug of juice up to the meeting? A lot of ice."
Anita - "Cold ice?" - episode 2
Customer - "Do you have that yoghurt that's for your intestines?"
Dolly - "No."
Customer - "It's advertised with singing bacteria."
Dolly - "Where is this?"
Customer - "Well this was in Carlisle."
Dolly - "Oh, well, Carlisle. That's a much more gulliable part of the country!" - episode 2
Peggy - "Is that Dolly?"
Dolly - "We met at the Cafe Bon Bon."
Peggy - "Well you've slimmed down. You used to be gargantuan!" - episode 2
Peggy - "What have you been cooking? Food?" - episode 2
Petula - "I'm back! New venue, new caravan, new kidney!" - episode 2
Petula - "This is my daughter. Born christmas eve so we called her Brenda." - episode 2
Petula - "I'm back. And this'll tickle you...Im pregnant!" - episode 2
Petula - "I had a baby once before but I never really got involved. Do you remember Bren? Oh yes, it was you!" - episode 2
Tony - "Oi, Twink! You're missing something."
Twinkle - "What?"
Tony - "About four tables!"
Twinkle - "Ha ha, Benny Hill!" - episode 3
Twinkle - "You're an optimist you."
Tony - "I must be, letting you in my kitchen day after day."
Twinkle - "Oh ha ha, straight to video!" - episode 3
Petula - "I don't know Lenny. Gwynnie's my pal." - on Leonardo Di Caprio and Gwyneth Paltrow, episode 3
Philippa - "I do the Jane Fonda Low Impact."
Petula - "Boy did I have trouble teaching her that one!" - episode 3
Bren - "Don't think you have to stick with me in Marbella or anything, you know, just cos I haven't been abroad before. Cos I don't expect you to so don't feel, oh God, what't the word? Not neglected...obligated!"
Tony - "Have you ever heard of an inferiority complex?"
Bren - "Yeah but I've never thought I was important enough to have one." - episode 3
Babs - "Do you remember where I'm from?"
Bren - "Urmston."
Babs - "No. I'm from Urmston." - episode 3
Bren - "Only my holiday money is all for my holiday."
Petula - "I wouldn't touch it! Wouldn't touch it! I don't know why Babs even mentioned it. Shock probably. When she saw me catapulted into the car wash." - episode 3
Dolly - "Tony Blair! It used to be the police taking prisoners from place to place. Now it's anyone with three rear seatbelts and a driving licence." - episode 4
Tony - "What do you want then?"
Bobbie - "Well nothing really. Just tea, coffee, milk, semi skimmed, skimmed, full fat, sugar, cups, plates, two flavours of squash and a big box of biscuits." - episode 4
Jean - "I don't know whether to get a facelift or a new floor."
Dolly - "A pelvic floor?"
Jean - "No, a kitchen floor you witless dingbat!" - episode 4
Stan - "Anita, you wanna pump that Malcom up a bit. You don't want him going down on you." - episode 4
Tony - "I'll give you a lift home. Can't have pregnant women roaming the streets with a nutcase loose."
Bren - "He's only a weeny nutcase. Who's pregnant?"
Tony - "You. Are you not pregnant?"
Bren - "Not unless sperm can get through a sash window." - episode 4
Twinkle - "I'm starving!"
Tony - "You've just had all those old sausages."
Twinkle - "I know, want something else now."
Tony - "You'll bust your belly button ring."
Twinkle - "Ha ha, straight to video!" - episode 5
Dolly - "Where's Bren?"
Norman - "There's nobody here."
Dolly - "Is Tony not here?"
Norman - "Well he's part of the nobody that's not here." - episode 5
Norman - "I'm agrophobic. I can't even watch Groundforce." - episode 5
Bob - "Just give us a teabag, I'll suck it on my way back." - when Twinkle keeps ignoring his requests for tea, episode 5
Jean - "28 million pound cutlet centre to be built outside Rochdale. Didn't realise they were that popular."
Bren - "Outlet centre." - episode 5
Anita - "Is genitalia the silver stuff that you drape over the branches?" - episode 5
Dolly - "You think I know nothing. I didn't just come up the Manchester Ship Canal on a Ryvita you know?" - episode 5
Dolly - "Oh honestly! Who has sex on christmas morning?"
Jean - "The Dalai Lama!"
Dolly - "Well he must peel his sprouts the night before." - episode 6
Stan - "Ey, ey, ey, ey, ey!"
Jean - "Is a bus reversing?" - when Stan sees them trying to move tables, episode 6
Janice - "I was in an institution once with a kitchen just like this. But I set fire to my mattress. Had to be moved."
Petula - "It wasn't suicide."
Janice - "It was mattresside!" - episode 6
Jean - "I gave you that two years ago."
Dolly - "Did you? I suppose if I had been on HRT I'd have remembered." - after Dolly gives Twinkle her christmas present, episode 6
Tony - "Shame Jean, I could see you in a PVC catsuit."
Dolly - "It would have to come from a big cat!" - episode 7
Anita - "When are they having the next Millennium? Have they decided?" - episode 7
Dolly - "I liked you in glasses."
Philippa - "Oh, did you?"
Dolly - "Mmm, they diminished your nostrils." - episode 7
Twinkle - "Can I just finish my coffee?"
Philippa - "Never mind your bloody coffee. Get in the bloody bloody bloody frigging car!" - episode 7
Dolly - "On our road we have a lovely old church don't we Jean? Beautifully looked after, much used by the community."
Jean - "It's a carpet shop."
Dolly - "Now we hear there are plans for it to be taken over by some daft group. What are they Jean?"
Jean - "Christians."
Dolly - "I'm getting up a petition."
Jean - "Christian Fundamentalists."
Dolly - "It's all very well them laughing and making friends with Jesus. We'll have miles to go for a carpet if that happens." - episode 7
Jean - "Who do you workship in your family then Anita?"
Anita - "Well we all really like Celine Dion." - episode 7
Bren - "That was nice of Jean."
Dolly - "Oh she's not bad...for a big-bottomed nymphomaniac!" - episode 7
Stan - "I can't wear a paper hat straight out of a cracker. I have to iron it." - episode 7
Stan - "My dad was a Desert Rat. He washed the tin plates of thirty-two fighting men in a hub cap." - episode 7
Bren - "Don't get your dander up Stan."
Stan - "Get my dander up? Get it up, I wouldn't even give it a nudge with a wet flannel." - episode 7
Dolly - "They're hardly nuns at all these days are they with all thse drip-dry fabrics and driving Toyotas. They hardly suffer at all in my view." - episode 7
Stan - "This is happening more and more. It's these novelty condoms. They're not up to the job." - when Tony finds the baby, episode 7
Dolly - "He once made a pass at me Jean."
Jean - "Did he?"
Dolly - "Oh he didn't get very far, I was in a wraparound cardigan." - about Keith, episode 7
Tony - "Just changed into that have you?"
Twinkle - "Do you want the truth?"
Tony - "God no!"
Twinkle - "Oh ha ha, Jeremy somebody!" - Twinkle comes to work in her uniform again, episode 8
Bren - "Have you always been a bit thick Christine or did you have to take an evening class?" - episode 8
Bren - "He's what's that word? Not toadstools. Disenchanted!" - episode 8
Dolly - "So I've just taken a very powerful drug designed to combat male impotance, is that the situation? What will it do to a woman? Where will it go? What will happen when it gets down there and finds there's nothing to pump up? It'll be like a Range Rover going top speed into a cul-de-sac. It'll bounce back and head straight to my heart won't it? I'll die of a heart attack. And what else will I get? Nose hair? Am I going to start driving with one elbow out of the window? Leaving the seat up? Weeing at random, missing the bowl altogether?" - thinking she's taken Viagra, episode 8
Christine - "Can I just say?"
Dolly - "No, I'm talking now. I don't know how long I've got so I've got nothing to lose. The others were right about you but I couldn't see it. You smell! You make personal remarks, you mix your tinned tomatoes up with your butterbeans, you blow your nose on your tabbard when you think nobody's looking, you've upset each and every one of us. But worst of all you've made me fall out with my very dear friend Jean and I will never forgive you for that you slimey, two-faced, flatuating bumhole!" - episode 8
Norman - "You wouldn't catch me in The Highlands. I'm agrophobic. Fell off a diving board in Guernsey you know?"
Tony - "Norman, you say that every flipping day!"
Norman - "I re-live it every flipping day! The smell of the chlorine. The feel of the coconut matting under my verucca. Coming round in hospital only to be told that top pop pin-up Siobhan had left Bananarama. Black day." - episode 9
Tony - "Better have strong legs."
Twinkle - "Who, me?"
Tony - "No, the flipping table!"
Twinkle - "Ha ha, League Of Gentleman!" - episode 9
Bren - "So the earth didn't move?"
Jean - "Even the headboard didn't move." - on sex with Keith, episode 9
Dolly - "They are small. Once people are on heroin square meals fly out of the window. It was in the Daily Mail." - episode 9
Petula - "They didn't want to leave Betty in the ambulance. Lord knows why! I said 'she's not a CD player, she's not gonna get nicked!" - episode 9
Petula - "Which ward will it be Brian?"
Brian - "Eight."
Petula - "It's mixed isn't it?"
Brian - "Yes."
Petula - "Mmm, might have a bit of sex. But I have to say, after Richard E Grant you don't really feel like bothering with a load of shagged out pensioners." - episode 9
Stan - "My dad was a Desert Rat. He made toast for thirty-two fighting men with a radiator grill and a flame thrower." - episode 9
Anita - "What did she die of Bren?"
Bren - "Oh loads of stuff. They had to write really small to get it all on the certificate." - episode 10
Petula - "I'm not scared, I've already had three near-death experiences. Do you remember Bren? Oh no you weren't there." - episode 10
Dolly - "Going to Mobberly. We've found a house we like. It's got under floor heating. That'll cut down our slipper bill." - episode 10
Bren - "Gorgeous brunette Tina says the rubber and bondage scene is catching on fast in Mobberly." - reading from the paper, episode 10
Bren - "Dolly, you could get something you could use in Mobberly."
Jean - "A whip!" - episode 10