Norman - "Oh sign it will ya Bren, I've got an itchy bum!" - series 1 episode 1
Bren - "Have you seen Vertigo?"
Norman - "Seen it? I've got it!" - series 1, episode 1
Tony - "You alright Bren? Did you get any?"
Bren - "What?"
Tony - "At the weekend. Did you you get any?"
Bren - "Any sex? No I had to go to the laundrette." - series 1, episode 1
Tony - "Oi, Twinkle."
Twinkle - "What?"
Tony - "You don't come to work in your overall do you?"
Twinkle - "Alright, keep your scrotum on!" - series 1, episode 1
Tony - "Twink, you're on sink."
Twinkle - Thanks a bog roll!" - series 1, episode 1
Dolly - "So she's been distraught for years cos they hadn't had any children."
Jean - "She should have cleaned the freezer out a bit more often." - about a film Dolly had watched, series 1, episode 1
Jean - "Last big wedding his aunty Dot ate a coaster."
Dolly - "No!"
Jean - "His aunty Dot from Cockermouth ate a rafia drinks coaster. She thought it was a high fibre biscuit. She had to be held back from moving down the table and buttering two more." - series 1, episode 1
Anita - "Have you seen these sextuplets in the paper? She actually chose to have six babies."
Dolly - "It's technology gone mad."
Bren - "Yeah but it's handy though isn't it? Like if you wanted to have the Nolan sisters in a hurry." - series 1, episode 1
Philippa - "I'm Philippa Moorecroft."
Twinkle - "Flipper? He's a whale isn't he?"
Philippa - "Sorry? Oh yes! No not like the whale. Philippa."
Bren - "Was he not a dolphin, Flipper?"
Dolly - "Skippy was the bush kangaroo."
Bren - "Free Willy was a whale." - series 1, episode 1
Stan - "My dad was a Desert Rat. His life was saved by a mess tin. He had it over his face licking a bit of mince." - series 1, episode 1
Customer - "What's the soup? On the menu it just says soup."
Bren - "Twink, what's the soup?"
Twinkle - "Minestrone."
Bren - "Why didn't you put it on the menu?"
Twinkle - "Can't spell it." - series 1, episode 1
Tony - "Look, I'm not a dinosaur. I quite like women in a sad, baffled sort of way. But can we please get a grip? Out of a workforce of five, at any given moment, one will have pre-menstural tenstion, one's panicking cos she's not, someone's having a hot flush and someone else is having a nervous breakdown cos her HRT patch has fallen in the minestrone!"
Jean - "That was a one off!" - series 1, episode 1
Philippa - "It's a melting pot Stan. We're just gonna toss ideas in the pot."
Twinkle - "It's a toss pot!" - series 1, episode 1
Philippa - "They think now that pressure at work can affect your sex life. They did a questionnaire: Are you too busy for an orgasm?"
Jean - "An orgasm? I haven't blown my nose since Wednesday!" - series 1, episode 1
Stan - "My dad was a Desert Rat. He shaved in sand. That toaster stays put!" - series 1, episode 1
Dolly - "I don't mind what I wear. I think when you're slim you can carry off a number of styles. I think we should ask somebody with bigger hips. Jean?" - on the possiblity of wearing a sari, series 1, episode 1
Dolly - "Well whoever it is, we'll line up and curtsey. I'll lead."
Jean - "Why you?"
Dolly - "Well I'm used to this. I've met the Duchess of Devonshire."
Jean - "Met her? You cornered her! If you have stood any nearer you would have fell in her handbag!" - series 1, episode 2
Dolly - "I have a see-through teapot with plunger."
Jean - "What's that got to do with osteoporosis?"
Dolly - "Oh well I'm sorry, I didn't realise every topic had to link up. I didn't realise I was on Blockbusters." - series 1, episode 2
Dolly - "Tony Blair! Stick two poems up in a bus shelter and call it a university." - series 1, episode 2
Dolly - "I'm not being a wench. I'm too gnatty for a wench. You need more of a lived in look....like Jean." - series 1, episode 2
Tony - "Anybody fancy a gangbang on a cream cracker?"
Anita - "What's a gangbang?"
Bren - "It's people having sex in a bunch."
Anita - "Well how do they all fit on a cream cracker?" - series 1, episode 2
Jean - "There's nothing wrong with my hips. It's only been three years since I won a Rhumba competition."
Dolly - "Yes, on a caravan site."
A few minutes later...
Dolly - "I feel guilty now."
Bren - "For saying she couldn't curtsey?"
Dolly - "Saying it was a caravan site. It was actually a quite upmarket, all weather holiday village." - series 1, episode 2
Philippa - "What's the most popular meal here in the canteen?"
Twinkle - "Arseholes on toast!" - series 1, episode 2
Bren - "What were they called? What are them things like cucumbers?...Suffragettes!" - series 1, episode 2
Dolly - "I was panicking then. It was just hovering over the seven. But luckily I paid a visit and it dickered back down onto the six." - on her weight, series 1, episode 2
Jean - "It's a load of codswash dieting. All that misery for what? You could fall under a bus tomorrow."
Dolly - "I could. You couldn't fit under a bus, it'd have to be jacked up." - series 1, episode 3
Dolly - "It's like those fat ladies that cook. What are they called? They're fat ladies. They cook." - series 1, episode 3
Shelagh - "Answer me this love...where's my Clint?" - series 1, episode 3
Shelagh - "I've got high blood pressure and water retention. Do you know what that gives you?"
Bren - "Boiling water?" - series 1, episode 3
Dolly - "Why do people have to spit? That ruined Titanic for me, the spitting. The iceberg couldn't come soon enough after I saw that." - series 1, episode 3
Tony - "Does anyone wanna do frigging, poxy Kilroy with Robert stupid, up himself Silk?" - series 1, episode 3
Petula - "Don't blame Bren. I've had postnatal disinterest for fourty years." - series 1, episode 3
Bren - "Who was it who was on about 15 minutes of fame? Andy...?"
Jean - "Pandy?"
Bren - "No Jean!"
Jean - "It was about 15 minutes wasn't it, Andy Pandy?"
Dolly - "Rag, Tag and Bobtail!"
Jean - "That was 15 minutes." - series 1, episode 3
Bren - "What do men want then? Cufflinks? Jokey soap?"
Tony - "We don't want any of it, Bren. All a bloke really wants for christmas is a voucher that says 'Take this to 32 Sycamore Avenue. Mrs Janet Farnesbarnes will be stark naked waiting for you. You can have as long as you like, you get a cup of tea afterwards and you don't have to have a bloody conversation." - series 1, episode 4
Jean - "I was not gawping. I just suddenly thought I'd got my pants on the wrong way round. The label seemed to be digging in on the opposite leg. So I put my hand down, it was a branflake." - series 1, episode 4
Tony - "You alright?"
Twinkle - "Don't tell me you wanna know about my period."
Tony - "You don't scare me off that way. I've worked here too long. I've heard it all, wombs, panty liners, nipple shields. Come on if you think you're hard enough! Periods."
Twinkle - "Ha ha, three weeks late." - series 1, episode 4
Stan - "My dad was a Desert Rat, he saved a man's life with a tablespoon." - series 1, episode 4
Jean - "And where's it got you, having a pelvic floor like a bulldog clip?"
Dolly - "Well if you'd ever let your Keith out of the spare bedroom, you'd find out." - series 1, episode 4
Jean - "You're riding for a big, fat fall Dolly Bellfield."
Dolly - "Just because I have a full sex life."
Jean - "Oh yeah? Then what's that appliance in your underskirt drawer?"
Dolly - "That's for stiff necks!" - series 1, episode 4
Bren - "Hey, maybe Twink could do that thing. What's is called? Sounds like a place in North Yorkshire."
Tony - "Knaresborough?"
Bren - "Surrogate." - series 1, episode 4
Petula - "You could probably scrape the mash off the top and make potato cakes. I used to fry those up for Lauren Bacall years ago. Do you remember Bren?"
Bren - "No."
Petula - "Oh no, you weren't there." - series 1, episode 4
Philippa - "Oh golly, do you think she's a homeworker? She's probably sitting at a sewing machine for 12 hours a day. Does she speak English? She may not go out you see. Do you know anything about her Bren?"
Bren - "She's an estate agent." - on Anita's mum, series 1, episode 4
Enid - "Did you get that skirt from a catalogue?"
Philippa - "No."
Enid - "Pity, you could have sent it back." - series 1, episdode 4
Tony - "This'll be your first visit to Stan's place of work will it?"
Jim - "I'll just drink my tea if you don't mind, rather than chat." - series 1, episode 4
Stan - "Watch it dad!"
Jim - "Don't tell me to watch it. I was a Desert Rat, we had to watch it. That's how Chalky White copped it. Oh yeah, he let his guard down and bang, no head."
Bren - "Was he dead?"
Jim - "He's never worked since. Of course he was dead he had no head! Was he dead?! He didn't have a head!" - series 1, episode 4
Jean - "Normally it's a few dodgy pies and a disco. It's show up, throw up and bog off home." - on the usual christmas party, series 1, episode 5
Petula - "Mr Vitcuna said that with an aorta like mine I should have died in March 1973." - series 1, episode 5
Petula - "Has she told you what a terrible mother I am? I am terrible! Put her in an orphange and lost the address." - series 1, episode 5
Babs - "Is it a sit-down toilet?"
Bren - "Yeah."
Babs - "That's the only sort I go on." - series 1, episode 5
Petula - "I dont do names, so I dont say names, but I remember your fluid movements you sauce box!" (to Keith) - series 1, episode 5
Mr Tashimoto - "Please, no more Hokey Cokey!" (to Petula) - series 1, episode 5
Keith - "Judith Charmers. That's my sort of bird."
Tony - "How come?"
Keith - "Cheerful, well groomed, never at home." - series 1, episode 5
Bren - "Who is Babs?"
Petula - "Babs? She's from Urmston." - series 1, episode 5
Dolly - "I hadn't budgeted for chips, calorie wise." - series 1, episode 5
Jean - "Breathe in. Can you smell my Charlie?" - to Tony, series 1, episode 5
Dolly - "How dare you expect me to spend leisure time in the same building as fried potatoes! Do you want me to be 12 stone 2?" - series 1, episode 5
Jean - "Daft names they give those poor children. It says 'John and Amanda share a tender moment with their baby, opposite.'" - series 1, episode 6
Jean - "4:00. What's that? Regrets?"
Bren - "Regrets? T.V movie? I bet it's about some businesswoman who's left it too late to have babies."
Anita - "Or she had a baby in her teens, had it adopted and regrets it."
Jean - "Oh no. Rugrats." - series 1, episode 6
Dolly - "What's that?"
Jean - "Half past 4. Documentary. 'Is it true about the syphilis delias myth?'"
Dolly - "Delia Smith's never got syphilis. How dare they?! Don't tell me a woman with spotless tea towels would stoop to that kind of infection." - series 1, episode 6
Jane - "It's my boss."
Dolly - "Sorry?"
Jane - "She has to have brown bread. She's got irritable bowel syndrome."
Dolly - "Oh that's just become a status symbol that has. This has all come in in the last ten years, irritable bowel syndrome. Whatever happened to flatulence by the way? That never seems to get a look in."
Jean - "Or worms. They're never mentioned." - series 1, episode 6
Nicola - "What would happen if I asked for a herbal tea?"
Jean - "Nothing."
Nicola - "You mean you wouldn't be fazed by such a request?"
Jean - "No, I mean you wouldn't get one." - series 1, episode 6
Jean - "There you go, light house-keeper wanted."
Bren - "Lighthouse. Keeper." - series 1, episode 6